(Beir Bua’s Pushcart Nominations 2021)
because i’m way too old to be changing my filthy habits at this point sweetie and i’ve tried several times to stop
since i know it sounds pretentious as heck when we’re out with friends
just casually talking about stuff
and i go on a 20 minute tangent about
zack efron’s wasted potential in hsm
and how he should’ve played the bully instead of the sweet loving jock.
it’s just that i get excited when people talk to me
and making friends as an adult is super hard,
ever since i was shunned by my coworkers for accidentally bringing english muffins on bagel friday.
i quadruple swear that it’s not a hobby of mine to feed people inferior oval-shaped carbs
it was just a lil’ slip up, an honest mistake.
besides, it wasn’t that big of a deal, like that time andrew jackson’s pet parrot
had to be escorted out of jackson’s funeral because he wouldn’t stop cursing.
that bird should’ve been given a medal
for being awesome.
just my two cents.
thanks for listening. truly appreciate it.
Shawn Berman runs The Daily Drunk and Dream Journal. His debut chapbook, Once Upon a Blue Shell, is out this spring from Close to the Bone. Follow him on Twitter @sbb_writer.
Read the rest of issue one here.